SPOILER ALERT!!!
If you plan on seeing the movie and don't want to know what's going to happen, then don't read any further!
You're still here? Don't say I didn't warn you.
So I went to see the new Star Trek movie on Monday...and like with any new movie, I never get my hopes up. I go in the theater with the expectation that the movie will be mediocre at best (they usually are nowadays). But when I came out of the theater for this one, I was just pissed off.
Where do I start? Well, besides the fact that I went in there with the impression that this movie would be "ok", I also went in there thinking that the movie would be about how Kirk met Spock...and it is about that...but in an ALTERNATE TIME LINE. What is this crap? I don't want a different time line, I want the ORIGINAL time line and I want to know how Kirk really met Spock! But no, like all new movies nowadays, lets make it "different" and make it "new". Why can't people just leave well enough alone...all they had to do was take an already existing storyline and work with it but instead lets scrap the whole idea and start over...why?? What a disappointment!
Don't think that's the only thing wrong with it, there is a lot more.
The entire original Star Trek cast of characters is there (but all played by different younger actors, of course). We have Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, Chekov, Uhura, Scotty, Captain Pike, you name it...actually, the only thing I really liked about the movie were the actors. They did a very good job representing the original Star Trek crew, they really made me believe they were the younger versions of those characters. But there was a flaw with Uhura's and Spock's characters...right away, for the people that saw this movie already, you know what I'm about to say.
Lets go back to the original series from the 60's. Remember Spock and Uhura? Remember what they were like? Remember when they made out and fell in love with one another? What do you mean you don't remember when they made out and fell in love?? Well guess what, I DON'T REMEMBER THAT EITHER!
That's right Spock and Uhura are a couple in this movie...it's the most RIDICULOUS thing you've ever seen and it happens OUT OF NO WHERE. For no reason, Uhura has a hard on for Spock and wants to bang him every chance she can get. Seriously, every time Spock enters the bridge, it does a close up of Uhura and her desperate, anxious face and when Vulcan gets destroyed (don't get me started on that) the first thing she does is pin him in the elevator and offer him sex (without directly saying it...but she didn't need to, holy crap). Spock shoots her down though LOL.
The relationship they have, again, happens out of no where. I was left asking, "Where is this coming from, why is this happening?" every time they locked tongues. It was stupid...I mean, it wasn't a funny stupid, it was just plain f'in STUPID. Who thought up this absurd idea?? My god, it makes more sense to have Kirk gay for Spock, really, it does. I wouldn't be surprised if that's what they end up doing in the sequel just to top it off.
Another thing that got me were the significant amount of coincidences. I found myself saying "whoa, that's good timing" or "whoa, that's awfully convenient" every 10 minutes. What do I mean? Well, for example, at some point in the movie, Spock is assuming command of the Enterprise when Captain Pike is kidnapped by Romulans. When Spock gets pissed at Kirk in one part of the movie, he orders Kirk to be ejected from the ship and abandoned on some barren ice planet (that idea itself was completely overboard and didn't suit Spock's character at all).
So after a pointless, waste of time scene of Kirk running from stupid snow beasts, he ends up being saved from them by the original future time line Spock (Leonard Nemoy). Okay...what are the chances that the future Spock just so happens to be there on that very same barren planet in the middle of nowhere! I mean, I believe in coincidences but that was just frigin stupid. I mean, it wasn't a planned strategy to abandon Kirk, it was completely random and they ejected him to whatever planet was nearest to the Enterprise at that time. Go figure that the future Spock was abandoned there as well earlier in the movie, same exact location on the planet and all! Too convenient.
Oh and that's not all, guess who was also there waiting on the same planet? Scotty! Yes, for no reason, Scotty was also abandoned on that very same planet! OMG, how much farther can this be taken? Could this get worse? Oh yes, it most certainly can.
So future Spock and young Kirk meet up with young Scotty somehow. Spock just so happens to remember a transwarp transporter theory that Scotty from the future created. So Spock takes that theory and magically completes it with predated, ancient technology! No, sorry, are we trying at all here to make this realistic? I know it's Star Trek and anything is possible but c'mon, this is too much. So they use this super future technology with ancient equipment and transwarp beam themselves to a distant Enterprise that's in warp at the time (never heard of being done before in any Star Trek show or movie). Also, Scotty comes off as an annoying douche...I guess he always was.
Oh did I mention that the Captain Pike from this new time line gives Kirk (an ensign or whatever at the time) a 1st officer rank out of no where for no reason? This is before Pike is kidnapped of course...anyway, before Kirk and Scotty beam to the Enterprise, future Spock tells Kirk, in order to assume command of the Enterprise, he'll need to find a way to deliberately piss off his younger self to draw out his emotion and make it look like he's taking this situation (Vulcan being destroyed and what not) way too personally and unnecessarily endangering the crew.
So right away, Kirk runs to the bridge, hurts Spock's feelings in the most cruel way (nobody seems to have a problem with it) and naturally Spock beats the shit out of Kirk. Somehow, this makes Spock unfit for command and Kirk assumes command himself...umm, I don't know about you but if I were one of the crew members and I just witnessed this, I'd think this was some sort of scheme or scandal to take control of the ship (which is was but it shouldn't have been deliberately exposed like that).
I mean, here is a guy we just abandoned on some distant ice planet returning to the ship out of no where, racing to the bridge and deliberately upsets the captain for no reason and then takes control of the ship...wow umm, why are they allowing that? I mean Spock has every right to get upset, his home world was just destroyed and Kirk is throwing that in his face!
The Starships and effects in this movie are great, I won't deny that. I don't like the way they altered the look of the Enterprise (it has the same overall look but the fine detail is different), they could have easily taken the Enterprise from the original series and just bring it up to today's standards. What I mean by that is rather than have that budget 60's look, give it that 2009 look, you know? Some people would say that's what they were trying to do but I don't see it that way.
The scenes with young Kirk being a rebel and what not are believable but the part where he drives a car off a cliff was unnecessary and pointless. Also, what's with the super campaigning of advertisements in this movie? I thought in the future that money wasn't existent so why would there still be companies out there selling products (Budweiser, Nokia, etc.) Not to mention that these companies would have been completely obliterated during World War III. Anyway...this stuff is irrelevant.
There were times when I thought they were trying too hard to make it funny and that was unnecessary too. Like when Kirk's hands swell because of Bones injecting something into him (I forget what). He had super retarded swelled looking hands and it just didn't make sense to have that kind of comedy in this movie.
Personally, if you're a mediocre Star Trek fan or wasn't even a fan at all, then you will probably like this movie. If you're a hardcore fan, you're probably going to exploit its flaws and nit pick like I do.
Overall, this movie wasn't "bad". I'm just too damned picky and was expecting a completely different film. The actors were good, the effects were good, the storyline was cheesy but it was alright. It got the point across and gave you an idea of what their lives must have been like when they first joined Starfleet.
If they had just left it so that it told the original story of how Kirk met Spock (no alternate timeline crap), I would have loved it.
So overall I give it 3 stars...to be fair
But my personal opinion - 1 star...to be honest
You're still here? Don't say I didn't warn you.
So I went to see the new Star Trek movie on Monday...and like with any new movie, I never get my hopes up. I go in the theater with the expectation that the movie will be mediocre at best (they usually are nowadays). But when I came out of the theater for this one, I was just pissed off.
Where do I start? Well, besides the fact that I went in there with the impression that this movie would be "ok", I also went in there thinking that the movie would be about how Kirk met Spock...and it is about that...but in an ALTERNATE TIME LINE. What is this crap? I don't want a different time line, I want the ORIGINAL time line and I want to know how Kirk really met Spock! But no, like all new movies nowadays, lets make it "different" and make it "new". Why can't people just leave well enough alone...all they had to do was take an already existing storyline and work with it but instead lets scrap the whole idea and start over...why?? What a disappointment!
Don't think that's the only thing wrong with it, there is a lot more.
The entire original Star Trek cast of characters is there (but all played by different younger actors, of course). We have Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, Chekov, Uhura, Scotty, Captain Pike, you name it...actually, the only thing I really liked about the movie were the actors. They did a very good job representing the original Star Trek crew, they really made me believe they were the younger versions of those characters. But there was a flaw with Uhura's and Spock's characters...right away, for the people that saw this movie already, you know what I'm about to say.
Lets go back to the original series from the 60's. Remember Spock and Uhura? Remember what they were like? Remember when they made out and fell in love with one another? What do you mean you don't remember when they made out and fell in love?? Well guess what, I DON'T REMEMBER THAT EITHER!
That's right Spock and Uhura are a couple in this movie...it's the most RIDICULOUS thing you've ever seen and it happens OUT OF NO WHERE. For no reason, Uhura has a hard on for Spock and wants to bang him every chance she can get. Seriously, every time Spock enters the bridge, it does a close up of Uhura and her desperate, anxious face and when Vulcan gets destroyed (don't get me started on that) the first thing she does is pin him in the elevator and offer him sex (without directly saying it...but she didn't need to, holy crap). Spock shoots her down though LOL.
The relationship they have, again, happens out of no where. I was left asking, "Where is this coming from, why is this happening?" every time they locked tongues. It was stupid...I mean, it wasn't a funny stupid, it was just plain f'in STUPID. Who thought up this absurd idea?? My god, it makes more sense to have Kirk gay for Spock, really, it does. I wouldn't be surprised if that's what they end up doing in the sequel just to top it off.
Another thing that got me were the significant amount of coincidences. I found myself saying "whoa, that's good timing" or "whoa, that's awfully convenient" every 10 minutes. What do I mean? Well, for example, at some point in the movie, Spock is assuming command of the Enterprise when Captain Pike is kidnapped by Romulans. When Spock gets pissed at Kirk in one part of the movie, he orders Kirk to be ejected from the ship and abandoned on some barren ice planet (that idea itself was completely overboard and didn't suit Spock's character at all).
So after a pointless, waste of time scene of Kirk running from stupid snow beasts, he ends up being saved from them by the original future time line Spock (Leonard Nemoy). Okay...what are the chances that the future Spock just so happens to be there on that very same barren planet in the middle of nowhere! I mean, I believe in coincidences but that was just frigin stupid. I mean, it wasn't a planned strategy to abandon Kirk, it was completely random and they ejected him to whatever planet was nearest to the Enterprise at that time. Go figure that the future Spock was abandoned there as well earlier in the movie, same exact location on the planet and all! Too convenient.
Oh and that's not all, guess who was also there waiting on the same planet? Scotty! Yes, for no reason, Scotty was also abandoned on that very same planet! OMG, how much farther can this be taken? Could this get worse? Oh yes, it most certainly can.
So future Spock and young Kirk meet up with young Scotty somehow. Spock just so happens to remember a transwarp transporter theory that Scotty from the future created. So Spock takes that theory and magically completes it with predated, ancient technology! No, sorry, are we trying at all here to make this realistic? I know it's Star Trek and anything is possible but c'mon, this is too much. So they use this super future technology with ancient equipment and transwarp beam themselves to a distant Enterprise that's in warp at the time (never heard of being done before in any Star Trek show or movie). Also, Scotty comes off as an annoying douche...I guess he always was.
Oh did I mention that the Captain Pike from this new time line gives Kirk (an ensign or whatever at the time) a 1st officer rank out of no where for no reason? This is before Pike is kidnapped of course...anyway, before Kirk and Scotty beam to the Enterprise, future Spock tells Kirk, in order to assume command of the Enterprise, he'll need to find a way to deliberately piss off his younger self to draw out his emotion and make it look like he's taking this situation (Vulcan being destroyed and what not) way too personally and unnecessarily endangering the crew.
So right away, Kirk runs to the bridge, hurts Spock's feelings in the most cruel way (nobody seems to have a problem with it) and naturally Spock beats the shit out of Kirk. Somehow, this makes Spock unfit for command and Kirk assumes command himself...umm, I don't know about you but if I were one of the crew members and I just witnessed this, I'd think this was some sort of scheme or scandal to take control of the ship (which is was but it shouldn't have been deliberately exposed like that).
I mean, here is a guy we just abandoned on some distant ice planet returning to the ship out of no where, racing to the bridge and deliberately upsets the captain for no reason and then takes control of the ship...wow umm, why are they allowing that? I mean Spock has every right to get upset, his home world was just destroyed and Kirk is throwing that in his face!
The Starships and effects in this movie are great, I won't deny that. I don't like the way they altered the look of the Enterprise (it has the same overall look but the fine detail is different), they could have easily taken the Enterprise from the original series and just bring it up to today's standards. What I mean by that is rather than have that budget 60's look, give it that 2009 look, you know? Some people would say that's what they were trying to do but I don't see it that way.
The scenes with young Kirk being a rebel and what not are believable but the part where he drives a car off a cliff was unnecessary and pointless. Also, what's with the super campaigning of advertisements in this movie? I thought in the future that money wasn't existent so why would there still be companies out there selling products (Budweiser, Nokia, etc.) Not to mention that these companies would have been completely obliterated during World War III. Anyway...this stuff is irrelevant.
There were times when I thought they were trying too hard to make it funny and that was unnecessary too. Like when Kirk's hands swell because of Bones injecting something into him (I forget what). He had super retarded swelled looking hands and it just didn't make sense to have that kind of comedy in this movie.
Personally, if you're a mediocre Star Trek fan or wasn't even a fan at all, then you will probably like this movie. If you're a hardcore fan, you're probably going to exploit its flaws and nit pick like I do.
Overall, this movie wasn't "bad". I'm just too damned picky and was expecting a completely different film. The actors were good, the effects were good, the storyline was cheesy but it was alright. It got the point across and gave you an idea of what their lives must have been like when they first joined Starfleet.
If they had just left it so that it told the original story of how Kirk met Spock (no alternate timeline crap), I would have loved it.
So overall I give it 3 stars...to be fair
But my personal opinion - 1 star...to be honest
2 comments:
This post was so funny!
I really want to see this movie, but I couldn't resist reading your review, and I totally enjoyed it.
Tubular!
P.S. I hope the sequel doesn't also drive you up the wall.
I never go to the theater to watch a new move. As you mention, mist are mediocre at best. So I wait for it to be released on DVD and then order it from Neflix. This is What I did with Star Trek. I'm so glade I did. I would have been pissed to have wasted $12 to see this tour de stupidity in a theater.
Spock's character was completely unbelievable. James Krik was even worse. The only actor who did a good job was Karl Urban as the irascible Leonard McCoy.
Where did they get their timeline? Did J.J. Abrams never see the original series? Kirk had never met Capt. Christopher Pike until he came aboard Enterprise in the episode "The Menagerie."
All the impossible physics of the movie aside, one can still enjoy a Star Trek movie if the special effects are good. In this case, the effects were so far over the top as not to be anymore believable than the rest.
The lame story line was devised solely to allow Leonard Nimoy to reprise Spock. How utterly absurd.
All in all, a rather lame product for what could have been a great story. I can't see anyone liking this movie beyond silly teenaged boys and 35 year old virgins.
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